No matter what, when you're producing work you're vivaciously passionate about, you're going to spend most of your developing stages FRUSTRATED THE FUCK with yourself because you're at a block in your mind, or you keep questioning your purpose, or you're just simply overflowing with inspiration and ideas that your mind has suddenly decided to shut down for you.
I am there. I am frustrated the fuck out because I can't seem to grasp what I really want my new zine, The Existential Crisis, to be about! So I've been spending some time looking back at my old zines trying to place myself in the same mindset I was at when I had created them, trying to be both inspired and inspirational again.
I was really proud of my old zine, actually, no, I still am. And it just occurred to me that I never once shared a page of it with the Internet. So here's a favorite piece of mine that I wrote for my June issue last year. Maybe when I get around to actually having the patience to scan all pages, you guys can read the whole damn thing.
But for now, here's """Teenage Survival Guide""" brought to you by yours truly.
For a while now I've developed this strange but chronic obsession with Pippi Longstocking.
A few years ago, when I was still an avid Seventeen Magazine reader, I came across an interview spread of Drew Barrymore (who I was too pretty obsessed with.. I mean, Drew Barrymore is a babe and a BAMF).
Anyways, I can't recall much of this interview but what I do significantly remember is a part when the interviewer asked about a Pippi Longstocking picture hanging on Drew's wall, in which Drew confidently remarked as her idol. A successful, grown woman being interviewed by a magazine for teen girls A.K.A. me was telling me that Pippi Longstocking held "role model" credentials. So I had to wonder why.
And I did, for a very long time, until I started to make brief visits to my library to maybe read a bit of these Pippi Longstocking books. And maybe watch a few clips from the show/movie on Youtube. And maybe I started applying Pippi's own ideologies to my own life. Until I became obsessed and Pippi Longstocking was now, too, my role model.
Here's an essay I wrote a little less than a year ago, mostly on Pippi, but originally as a personal statement draft for Universities. No, I did not use this as my personal statement, but I still am damn sure proud of it.
I am a girl. I
was born a girl, raised as a girl, so therefore, I am a girl. Along with what
it “means” to be a girl, I was raised with Barbies, frilly pink dresses, and
the expectation to always stand up straight and sit with my legs crossed.
Growing up, these are some of the things that defined me as a girl. I was never
told to fight—that was boy’s play. I was never even told to stand up for myself,
in fact, I’m pretty sure that the idea of being a damsel in distress was
imbedded into my mind early on in my childhood. I had brown hair, brown eyes,
fair skin, and a mouthy attitude that seemed to be the only flaw—to adults—that
distracted from my “almost perfect” female persona. I knew I was mouthy, and I
was perfectly fine with that. I was endlessly asking questions and wondering
why I had to behave a certain way. Was I trying to impress anyone? Or was I
being told to behave a certain way for my own benefit? Confused and stripped
away from my youthful joy, I was confined to being this “girl” that the adults
around me had already defined for me, without letting me make my own definition
of what it was exactly, to be a girl.
Not
only did I spend the majority of my childhood playing with dolls and obsessing
over puppies and kittens, but my mother also gave me the privilege to spend
hours on end watching old TV shows like Shirley Temple, Pippi Longstocking, and
The Little Rascals. Although I used to loathe my mom for not making me get
“active,” and letting me sit in front of a television screen all day, I now
appreciate this because without it, I wouldn’t have been able to embrace the
character that is, Pippi Longstocking. Pippi was a girl, she was a child, and
she was mouthy, just like me. All of a sudden, she felt the most relatable. She
was fearless! She had spunk! She never wanted to grow up! I admire Pippi for
all of these things, and as I grew older, so did my fear of adulthood and my
fear of losing my “spunk”—the same spunk that Pippi had.
At
sixteen, I’ve already lost a few remnants of Pippi. She seemed to have dithered
away as I slowly replaced childhood girl power with irrelevant teenage
dilemmas. But once in a while, I’m caught in situations where I do ask myself,
What Would Pippi Do? And even though it may seem silly to call upon a childhood
hero for comfort, confidence, and spunk, my childhood hero is really the only
thing I can rely on as a teenager to keep me from turning into the vapid adult
that was so constantly depicted as the enemy in the Pippi Longstocking series.
So
often as a teenage girl, I am being told what to do by adults. I am being told
what’s right for me without actually knowing why they are right. I am
constantly not being challenged and I am constantly being tamed for how I feel.
Every day I see my fellow peers just trying to survive one day without being
humiliated or being alienated. The more
I encounter these daily endeavors, the more frustrated I become with not only
myself as a teenage girl, but with what the people around me are letting
themselves become: fearful.
Through
Pippi, I have learned that it’s okay to make fun of myself once in a while.
Sometimes, taking life a little less seriously actually brings out a whimsical
attitude I didn’t think I’d find in me. Pippi has taught me that my feelings
are valid, and that I’m allowed to feel anything I want to feel, without having
anyone tell me that it is wrong or that I’m “too emotional.” Sometimes I forget
that I am entitled to my thoughts and feelings when everyone else around me
seems to feel a certain way and I’m left feeling isolated and cast away because
of a different point of view. But this extremity in opinion that Pippi has
carried over onto me is exactly what gives me back my childhood girl power. And
yes, I still say childhood, because like Pippi, I should never have to grow up.
And by that I mean, I should never have to lose my spunk.
The idea of turning
into an adult has a dreaded reputation that even Pippi Longstocking probably
won’t appreciate. But for me, and from what Pippi has taught me, being an adult
now means doing what is right for me with no fear by being able to outstand any
situation… with spunk! Adults can keep telling me how to be a girl, how to be
an adult, and how to be successful, but my choice to define who I want to be
and how I’m going to achieve being that person is really the most important
thing for me to focus on during these loathsome teenage years.
I
am no longer the damsel in distress that has been taught repetitively to hold
myself back, and to tame myself to be lady-like. I now proudly say what I want
to say with no regards to anyone’s approval. I challenge myself daily and I
persevere through any sticky situations, just like Pippi has shown me I can. I
define being a girl as someone with an intense boldness, a moving voice,
control over choice, and most importantly, spunk.
“Don’t let them get you down: Be cheeky and wild and wonderful!”
My comic is almost complete! Sort of... I hope I'll have it finished in time by Valentine's Day, since it is, you know, a Valentine's themed series. Lately I've been doing a really good job at occupying most of my days with a neverending nothingness. I may be exaggerating greatly, but I feel as if I've been literally lugging my body from place to place just to find myself engaged in vapid, irrelevant things.
Maybe it's just my existential crisis slyly creeping in.. I dunno!
I've got nothing else to say for now, sadly, so here's just pictures of my outfit or whatever.
Everything is from Buffalo Exchange except for the shoes (Crossroads) and bolo tie (internet)
A sick ass Dali shirt I'll never ever get tired of (internet)
It's been getting a lot harder to like myself lately and I don't know why. I always want to lose weight but I don't have the willpower or motivation to make this happen. I look at myself in the mirror for very long periods of time on some days and I just start crying. I am naturally a very emotional person but this has been starting to concern me even further. Oh well. My first psych appointment is this Thursday I believe! We'll see how this goes.
OH and I'm debating on whether I should do a room tour some time soon, please let me know ^_^ In the meantime, here are a few snippets of my room!
Barbies in favor of anarchy.
Fear and Loathing in my bedroom.
Remnants from a trip to San Diego, a fab 17th birthday, a controversial novel, and a drastic haircut. Guess which is which.
Lately I've been feeling like a lot of the things I've been talking about/posting on here have become too analytical and structured; I feel like I haven't been letting my mind wander on its own, expressing things that-- even though of little rationale-- are exactly what is currently on my mind.
It's been a while since I've read a book that I've unconditionally fallen in love with. The last book I remember reading that thoroughly engrossed me in any and every aspect, was Siddhartha by Herman Hesse.
I wrote the following around the time I finished the novel: some time around last spring, I think. But I think it's still a completely relevant portrayal of what my mind's like in its raw, fresh, """diary""" friendly state.
Oh, p.s. Siddhartha is a novel written in the 20's that basically deals with a man (Siddhartha's) journey towards enlightenment, branching from his dissatisfaction with the lifestyles he keeps encountering and finding flaws in. It's, to me, an existential novel about self-discovery and so-called wisdom. I can honestly say it is one of my, if not my only, favorite novel.
"I’m too
stressed out, I’m starting to scare myself. Siddhartha is a wonderful,
wonderful tale and I wish to live my life like Siddhartha does. To not become
accustomed to a certain doctrine or teaching, to be able to accept doctrines
and religions but to never succumb to a strict faith. I want to be everyone and
everything at once. I want to “listen to the river”, for it is everywhere all
at once… and it does not believe in time. How do you avoid time though? We
depend on it so much…. where would we be without it? I want to indulge
myself with worldly pleasures, I want to be taught love and desire. I want to
be on the edge, giving in, so close to suicide. then, I want redemption. I want
my my own personal epiphany. One to tell me that the life I lead must be
simple, and that I must be satisfied with that. Siddhartha, I think.. you’re
slowly changing my life."
Hi~ really quick update. I am currently without a laptop because my screen cracked a while ago, and I've been using my mother's. Unfortunately I refuse to put any of my files onto this laptop because it would take FOR E V E R and I'm expecting to get a new laptop soon. This is why I have not been blogging lately!!
Also, because my camera's memory card is full, BECAUSE I refuse to import files onto my mother's laptop. Yes, I am stubborn. I'll update soon with what I can, I promise <3333
